Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Your jet pack ass has been replaced with lead boots but your mind is still spinning; you might be a little dizzy, and you’re certainly frustrated. Before you lose it altogether you must decide how you can live in both worlds (one of action and inaction). You’ll either have to slow one down or eat your Wheaties and step it up in the other. Imagine, if you will, imagining position after position after coupling probability but then when offered the opportunity to actually follow thru you just don’t fucking feel like it right now. Suck it up. Keep a handle on things and Aries this shit out.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
All is well Taurus, is it not? Everything is in its place; there is a divine sense of order and that pleases you. Some Taureans are already embracing this while others still wait to experience this sweet calming tide (very much attached to your birth date). Where you find the opportunity to recharge, others find boredom and this confuses them as used to as they are to your get it now, get it done, roll your butt over and go again kind of way. Some may move on to brighter faster paced scenes but those that wait you out know that when you come back you’ll bring them your dirty sexy self and you will have them until they raise the white flag of submission. Don’t chase the ones that go, cherish the ones that stay.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Although you fake disinterest you’re actually very curious by nature and when you’ve really got an itch in your butt about something there’s no stopping you. You neither consider the circumstances or pause to reflect on the possible outcomes, you just go and get your groove on wherever and however you want. This month you want to experience new things, new people and new ways of doing those people. It’s just a normal month of you doing you…and there’s not much out there that makes you happier than that. If you’re not careful though you could spend part of your birthday month figuring how to get out of whatever (beds and or people) you managed to get yourself into. On the other hand …yeah, normal month. Continue to do you.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Oh, stoic one, you’re about to meet the all-feeling self buried deep within you. (You know it’s there … it’s your elephant in the room.) It’s not that you’re unfeeling it’s just that you prefer to be in charge and in control of those feelings and you will stamp down pangs of want and the need to attach emotionally, or even sometimes, just that plain old warm and fuzzy shit that makes you want to lie in the wet spot, cause they made it just for you. Silly thing. Let it out this month, roll around in the dirt of desire, get it all over you, in every crack and crevasse and fold of sex sweaty skin you have. If you let yourself get used to it you might just find you like it after all.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You’re trying to combine tasks and save some time (for your self indulgent self) but the world is not co-operating. You do like to be sought out, appreciated and admired for your wit and wonderfulness but are less than interested in the boring and mundane daily details that govern the lives of others. If you find yourself just settling into a groove, or actual softly folded damp dark groove of another and your attention wavers, perhaps you’ve overlooked something or are avoiding doing something important elsewhere. Things that make you go …hmmm.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
If you weren’t such a caretaker then the world would not beat a path to your door every time it needed the gentle stroke of love you administer so beautifully. (Can a hand job be beautiful? Undoubtedly yes.) Good news for them is that the work that distracts you is your own internal exploration and you’ll be back when you’re done doing you. Help those with less urgent issues and then close the door, dim the lights and concentrate on your own dreams and desires. May is Masturbation Month and you might as well go there while you’re at it too.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You want to go somewhere this month and you should do so. Whether it’s a vacay, or a new way of making money, or a new way of making love, if you’ve spent this much time weighing the options and outcomes you might be closer to taking action than you wish to admit. Quit asking others for their opinions in the hope you’ll find one that matches yours. You see now that I’m not really going to help you decide which way to go, just suggest that you should listen to your soul if your soul is talking to you. Is there sex involved in this paragraph? Yes, because when you’re happy the getting down and dirty is even better; the down and dirty isn’t going to make you happy. It’ll make you feel good, it’ll make you forget the bigger issues, and it’ll hopefully be hot enough to make you sit softly for a day or so after. Solving more than that, not so much, the rest is up to you.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
It might be hard for you to not look under the bed for demons and evidence of cheating and partners deep-seated “reasons” for doing what they do because this month nothing is hidden. You won’t have to ask why, what, when, how, or who because the information will be right there staring you in the face. No digging required. This applies to all areas of your life. Weird thing is that even as you dig for answers, when you find things out, sometimes you don’t even care. You’ve lost interest. Lovers should take note though: Hiding shit isn’t going to work. Once there’s a fleeting doubt its pretty much game over for them. If they’re still sharing your bed it’s because somehow they suit your needs at the time or it’s too much trouble right now to get rid of them. Time’s a wasting though isn’t it Scorpio? What will you do if you find exactly what you suspected?
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Your mission is clear – create a day with more than 25 hours. You would if you could because you’re already trying to squeeze at least one extra on the regular as you try to explore absolutely every last ass hair there is. Should you shave, stop looking … or just manage your time better? Shaving’s okay if you like things all smoothy smooth, stop looking is not in your nature, so I guess it’s going to be manage your time better. Lovers do appreciate the art of the quickie that you have perfected but and this is a big one, they’ll like it even more if they believe you absolutely must have them now, fast, and hard because you cannot wait another minute. Not because you’ve got something to do, or somewhere to be or you have to get up for work early and you need to get this done so you can go to sleep. Time management. Get it done.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
No one is that clueless … could they all be clueless except for you? Hold up my Capricorn Brothers and Sisters, maybe it’s not them. Maybe it’s you? Be clear about your messages and stop nit picking at things that aren’t yours to nit pick at. This month you need to de-stress and escape the humdrum life you believe you’re leading right now. (Nothing’s changed except what you think you see.) On the nit-picking front, just ease up; practice not putting your two cents in. On the messaging front – make sure you are being clear. Ever been on the no help end of getting or giving head? Right there, oh, they moved on, because you didn’t tell them, or if you knew where the hotspot was you’d stay there, but they didn’t let you know. Being clear = orgasm. Expand that theory to universal practice yourself.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Only the brave and uninitiated would even try to get in your way when you’re set on having as much fun as one person could possible have. You do enjoy some really out there stuff but to your credit you never insist that partners enjoy the same. Yes, you’d like them to give it a try and if they’re on board, good, if not, check you later and no hard feelings. You don’t take it personally, and you let it and sometimes them, go. Very evolved of you. This month do your thing your way and you will find that initiates find their way to your garden of delights all by themselves. The key will be an added ability to look beyond the obvious … under the big trees and shady bushes there’s a hidden path to the darker side in us all. All you have to do is find it.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You’ve got so much going on in your head that it’s hard to give voice to all your ideas and ruminations. As you verbalize one fantasy another pops into mind distracting you from completion of the first. Ones as imaginative as you know that fantasy is great; bringing all your fantasies into reality can be tricky. Is it even possible? Well, if anyone can do it you can. Write them down, flesh them out (literally and figuratively) and enjoy. Don’t mash things up too much though, you can’t bring a blindfold to a pony show … or something like that. People could get hurt.