Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Things are so good you could just jump up and down for joy couldn’t you? And if you seriously cannot think of any other physical activity to engage in then you go get busy with the calisthenics. This lovely time, however, is more perfectly used to learn a new skill (filthy possibilities endless there) or to scratch an event off your bucket list: have you not always wanted to make love in the shadow of the local water tower, or on the pitcher’s mound… maybe you just want to do the pitcher. Go forth and make it so while the making is good.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Should you just sit quietly or should you throw caution to the wind and start working on a goal or a personal conquest that’s been waiting for you to make a move. They may take your lack of advancement in their direction as you not being interested and then focus their passion elsewhere. That would suck wouldn’t it? The only thing that should be a back and forth motion is you in them or them in you. All this seesawing between yes and no only serves to delay the possible start of something awesomely good. Follow your gut — don’t argue with it.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You’re a total pansy ass sometimes — but you know that don’t you? Commit/don’t commit, dive wildly into the pool of love/fear the deep end, it’s what you do. You are irrationally paranoid at times. You want control of the situation, the outcome, and all the players. If you can’t have all that, then you’re out. Guess what buttercup, it’s not happening that way this month. If you encounter some negativity or push back, just accept it (it’s how we have to deal with you) and move through it. Now powder that pansy ass and come to bed, we’ve got something for you.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Summer’s not done yet, and the party’s not over even though you may feel like it is. All good things come in time my little crustacean so lets not waste your last few optimism building months on the misguided fear that your inner work has been for nothing. Good things are coming your way. You may have been the glue that held a relationship together or you’ve been waiting for the right time to approach someone new and your good work and patience is about to be paid out. Remain confident. Remember: Karma’s only a bitch if you are.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
This month the Universe is your oyster and you reap the returns of the patience and generosity you’ve extended others. But remember this my pet, when an oyster reveals it’s beautiful pearl, we realize that the gifts of greatest return often begin with the seed of irritation — like that one grain of sand stuck in your ass after some beachside play. Brush it off or nurture it till it becomes the pearl you desire? Ah, you see how big the smallest things can become? Forget what’s already warm and fuzzy this month and pay attention to what or who needs work.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Wow, how did all the messy emotional dreck you work so hard to hide start gumming up your emotional state again. You’re very good at easing the angst of others but do neglect yourself on a regular basis. I know, I know, you’ll deal with it tomorrow but tomorrow is here now. Clean up Virgo spill, Aisle 6. You get to this state once a year around this time so before you have a meltdown mid stroke (receiving or sending) you need to deal with this ’cause we really don’t want you to stop what you’re doing. We’ll help you clean up your personal shit after, just don’t stop.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You’re feeling more generous to other souls this month especially those you’re partnered with or that you’ve partnered with in the past. You’ve probably even reconnected your devices, and unblocked some of those pesky contacts you threw some shade at. In fact, what you’re set to find out is that the art of the reconnect is actually hidden in the disconnect. Weird how that happens isn’t it? The bigger picture? It takes 30 days to break a habit. Maybe so maybe not: if fucking them was spectacular last year, it’s gonna be just as good tomorrow. You could do them every day for 30 days and see if they become a new old habit. Up to you.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
At heart you love deeply and truly, you hunger, you ache, you desire — it just doesn’t appear that way to those you toy with. When you bring that deepness to the surface and let loose others can be completely taken aback. They thought you didn’t like them that much, that you only tolerated them while you drained the sexual life out of them and now it seems that you’re so into them that there’s no room left inside for them. Oh well. Status quo. Keeps them on their toes, especially when they’re strung up just so while you kiss their ass with the stroke of a well placed paddle. Carry on.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Saggy, you are on fire emotionally, physically, spiritually, and intellectually and you’re ready to conquer an unsuspecting world (note: when they don’t see it coming it’s an ambush). The scent of your confidence oozes from every pore. You rule with a gentle hammer but your power is magnetic and intoxicating, you slay the bitterest opponent. (Love when that happens, the sex is hot.) You are giving and all tolerant, which is good ’cause when you start changing up plans, people feel ambushed and ambushed people tend to have hissy fits and that can destroy that whole Game of Thrones fantasy you’ve got going in your head. Fast.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Life is very satisfying right now, so much so that you can barely believe it. Who knew you could have it all? But why then, are you still entertaining that little negative worrywart gremlin whispering in your ear. It’s not the actual circumstance of life that’s got you fearful believing that it’ll all slip away; it’s your brain. Hard to control but you’re the only one who can. Multiple moments of joy, multiple orgasms: why separate the two. Be in the moment Capricorn, and you’ll be breathless, satisfied and without the time to worry at all.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Life is full right now but this is okay. The circle of appreciation is open and closed at the same time as all good things are offered to you but also given by you to those that you love and who love you. It’s like Woodstock (the original) in your head. Fucking amazing isn’t it? It’s like a movable constant orgy where all involved give and receive to the point of exhausted satisfaction. I’m not sure that there’s much more to say. You’re not lucky to have this right now because you’ve earned it. Love. Lust with abandon, and enjoy.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Pisces you little engine that could, you’ve been neglecting your own well being while you made sure that everyone else was being well. Time to indulge in some rest, some relaxation, some good food, and the company of lovers and friends. Your body, heart, and soul need some YOU time. It’s not masturbation month (that’s May) but finding the time for an exploration of your own limits needs addressing. Take a vacation in that dreamy head of yours and see if you can find something new to make you smile.