Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Rarely do you take the time to reflect on what exactly that thorn (thorn/plug—not always the same thing) in your ass is. You know it’s there, you accept it’s there, but you don’t’ address why it’s there. Choosing to ignore the source (physical or emotional) allows it to return time and time again to torment you. If you confront it you will find that dealing with the issue itself is not nearly as difficult as you imagined. It’s like unwrapping your most lusted after partner for the first time and finding out there’s something fake, or smaller than you believed possible underneath their clothes. Now, who’s deciding whether to stay or go? Whatever it is, face it and own it.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You are running around this month as if your backside is on fire. You feel good about yourself and the things around you. The better you feel, the more good things seem to appear. This is one vicious circle worth riding. Could it get even better? Yes, grasshopper, it certainly could. The key is to balance expansion (of mood, generosity, experience etc) with caution. Use a succession of steps to reach newly decided goals and for each step determine the desired outcome before starting. Let others decide the level of their own involvement (that’s what safe words are for). Do not outfit yourself like some sort of leather clad cowboy without finding out if they want to be ridden (literally) like the unbroken outback pony you see them as. To carry them along with your infectious adventurous energy you just have to ask them the right way … so they think what you want is their idea. You can do that can’t you?
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Your head, mind, and heart are being pulled in more than one direction at a time as once again your Inner Twins fight for ownership. One minute it’s career and work, the next it’s seeking spiritual fulfillment, or physical satisfaction, or emotional oneness. Can you do it all? Your mission, Gemini, if you choose to accept it … is to stop pretending that you’re so single minded that you can’t. You’re quite capable of multitasking to the degree that you demand it of others. Yeah, that’s right, you can do as many things out of bed as you do in. (Make love like a double tongued, multi-fingered, fucking machine … like there was two of you). So quit acting like you’re too confused to concentrate on the relationship or task at hand and we’ll just keep waiting to see which Twin has shown up this time. You can be a total evil genius when you want to.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Oh for time away … and time away alone. You feel like escaping wherever you find yourself right now and this could be into the recesses of your own mind or quite literally getting out of Dodge. It doesn’t matter what your lovers tell you or how they interact with you, you are a total cranky assed hyper reactive little thing right now. What to do, what to do? Without your own acknowledgement that you are a walking talking crab bucket of horrid emotions, your relationships have little hope of making it to month’s end. But, should you manage to piss off those that matter most, much ground can be regained by letting those special lovers have a peek under your shell and poke around the soft sweet meat underneath. After you’re finished dishing some venom, give something up (with your apology) and you’ll get even more back. Think about it, and work it.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You are an emotional damp rag this month. It’s as if the sheets you’ve just screwed in, the ones twisted between your legs, that muffled your moans, that tied your wrists, that hide the welts on your delicate ass … have been torn from you mid sleep. Even though you thrive in the spotlight and dive into the middle of any intrigue and kerfuffle that’s going down, it still unnerves you when things do not go according to your plan. I’m telling you now that things may go a little off track this month and the results may make you re-examine some very core principles and possibly restructure things in your life. Getting your socks knocked off is not always an early predictor of a wild night of sex, sometimes it’s an omen or warning to pay attention to things that don’t seem quite right.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You may be tempted this month to shut everyone and everything out of your house & your bed. Good luck with that. You’ve actively nurtured a situation in which lovers have become dependent on you so backing your ass out of there isn’t going to be easy. But you’re quite capable of letting someone down so gently that they still feel loved and cared for. Do this first, and then lock the door behind them. You’re not really sure if it is them but life right now is very much like that orgasm that remains frustratingly one stroke away. Patience in all things is a virtue.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Is it your imagination or are you being intentionally left out of the loop? This irritates you beyond belief—why won’t they just tell you what’s going on? Lovers are elusive, friends … are almost unfriendly. Should you actively seek new connections or stick this out? (That’s a lot of questions isn’t it?) Before you completely lose your diplomatic cool remember that Mercury Retrograde is set to irritate you as much as everyone else and that communications coming from you are just as cloudy as the ones you receive. It’s time to pull your normal savvy strategizing out and really smooth things over with anyone and everyone. Instead of being totally screwed for the month, if you do things right you could end up totally screwed for the month. And that would be the kind that involves the exchange of personal fluids … etc.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Sweet Scorpio, you love the world of fantasy because it’s a place you can escape to whenever and wherever you want and when you’ve got that far away look on your face, you really are off in a magic land of sex and positions and partner combinations. People think they go on trips; they should take a ride inside your head, they’d never be the same again. You also use this technique to release stress and ward off negativity. This month might be troublesome in a have to deal with the trifling whims of others way and exploring (really exploring) your imagination might deliver you to a treasure trove of possibilities. There may be some thoughts and visions and dark desires that bubble from the depth of your subconscious and surprise even you. Could you? Would they? Should you even ask them to? Hmmm …
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
With the impending Mercury Retrograde (March 12-April 4) you are advised to watch what you say and how you say it. You are not one to randomly blow (someone) but do pay as much attention to what’s coming out of your mouth as you do to what’s going in. Be as clear as you can to avoid being misunderstood (which you do not like) and be as compassionate and generous of spirit as possible to avoid sounding like a whiny little ***ch (which you like even less). Rather than avoid contact with your lovely partners, just spend less time talking and more time with your mouth full to the brim with their straining body parts.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
You’re full of inspiration and plans this month but a little short on the get up and go that it’s going to take to move things along. Obviously, you know that you find what you seek and if you don’t seek anything you will not find anything. The Mailman might very well be hot, but if you don’t put yourself out there then the only one beating a path to your door is going to be him … or her. Check all things but pay special attention to the little things that make the big things even better. Banging to exhaustion is great, awesome even, but finding just the right spot to play a fingertip across is a little thing and a succession of little things will always get you something bigger. Master the little things and you will have found the answer to one of life’s most sought after things—how to keep them coming back for more.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Where should you go Aquarius where you’ll be understood and loved for who you are? I don’t have the answer to that, it might just be next door to where your smoking hot neighbor lives, who knows? I do however know that accepting yourself and all your quirks is the first step to happiness. When new things, concepts, or ways of being develop, say like discovering that you do want (a whole bunch more than previously normal) to be tied up and spanked into submission, you might spend time chastising your perverted self, wondering what twisted personal historical event caused this weirdness, or try to stop wanting it altogether. Just be one with it, it is what it is, and what it is, is that we all like different sh**. Freedom is in owning yourself.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
March can be a long cruel month but as the Sun shines on you, so do you shine as well. You look good, you feel good, and except for a few Mercury Retrograde compounded communication glitches along the way, things should be all good. With reference to how you’re presenting yourself note that there may be times when even you don’t know what it is you’ve just said. What? Did you really just say that? Oddly though where you think you’re delivering confusion others find clarity. So should you find yourself between a set of understanding damp thighs just thank whoever it is you thank and get busy. At that point it won’t matter what you think you asked for, because they’re giving you what they think you want. Once again, it’s all good.