Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You feel like “life” is just bringing you the same old same old but is this because you’re sitting wrapped in your favorite blankey waiting for life to come to you? Everyone will remain out of your league if you don’t even try or make it known that you’re available for some dirty fun; in order to get some you’ve got to … go get some. But, you say, you try but always fail. Why is this happening to you? Think of it this way: if you didn’t tie up your athletic shoes and tried to run a marathon how long would it be before you were on your ass? Exactly. Pay attention to details, pay attention to the nuances of speech, to the looks, to small touches … pay attention to the need in others and your own needs will be met.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You are truly in your element this month. Birthday times are like that. It’s not that you can do no wrong but it is very much the point that the time is right, to right some wrongs that you’ve endured. This is your personal new year so go ahead and get rid of some bad habits that have been holding you down. Old Lovers can absolutely be considered bad habits. Yes, yes, they know your every nook and craving cranny but you taught them how—can you not freaking teach another? This month, let the only act of being held down that you experience be the one that ends in an orgasm and preferably yours.
Gemini (May21 – June 20)
What exactly drives you and your two-headed personality this month? Must you deny one twin in order to satisfy the other? Actually no but they are a persuasive pair and the combos they work in are many: against each other, together against you, together for you … At times collectively you are the threesome from … well, you’re just plain bad. Problem is, when your mojo’s not working you feel unfulfilled so try this for a few weeks, stop pimping you (or stop letting your inner beasts pimp you) out for base elements. No matter how much you want that bauble, that invite ticket, those new shoes, that adoration and attention, just let things be. You know that everything will come to you if you just let it. For the next few weeks employ the art of “no control” control. And I do know that your dick is getting hard, your pussy wet, as you consider holding the reins even tighter and bending all to your will, just doing it in a different way. You are freaking transparent.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
It’s time to get out of your shell and network your little crab legs off—accept all invitations that come your way, even if they do seem ridiculous at the time. Do you have any idea how many people have met their partners at events that they would have never normally gone to? I don’t know either, but its lots. You will meet, if you do get out of “the house” persons who will contribute massively to your development. You could meet the Dom to your inner sub—or you can stay home and fantasize till the tide comes in about the kind of lover you’d really like to have. Rules are made to be broken and risks are made to be taken—don’t cramp your own style.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Decisions, decisions, decisions: It’s time for you to make a few. What you must ponder now and I grant you the excuse that it’s hard to have a lucid thought while you’re out banging wildlife in the jungle, is whether you are being suitably rewarded for your efforts to keep relationships going and flowing. You are pretty good at keeping a running tally but if you’re always the one who initiates the I love you portion of events … then it might be time for a recount. You want your inner Lion to purr with content, not roar with indignation, and if this means someone’s got to go, or bring home a freaking bone once in awhile, then you do have the right to make this clear. Decide what or who needs doing then stand by the choices you make.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Life and all it entails is happening very fast right now. This doesn’t please you much as you prefer a much more controlled atmosphere … one controlled by you. It’s very much like when you agree to be restrained, you watch them tie the knots, your heart rate increases, and anticipation peaks … until you realize that the timing of your next orgasm will be determined by someone other than yourself. Best advice for you right now is to enjoy life’s ride from the passenger seat. Eventually you will stop using your imaginary brake pedal; you’ll relax, and maybe start to understand the release that persons who engage in restrictive activities know it to be.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Forget about weighing all options for all persons this month my Zodiacal Diplomat and just listen to yourself. If you’d just be quiet for a minute or two then the messages from your subconscious could get through and that sense of unrest would be eased. Watch what you say and who you say it to as your tongue will get you in more trouble than normal when your normal is the act of sticking it where it shouldn’t be. Oh, don’t even go there, you know I’m right.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Now is not the time to go it alone no matter how pissed you are at everyone else for not living up to your idea of what they should do. Don’t turn your back on someone who is willing to listen and or lend a helping hand. Don’t turn your back on someone who doesn’t know how to please you but is willing and able to learn no matter how many times they have to go down on you till they get it right. It’s called practice. Life will be easier and more enjoyable and satisfying if you do. Yes, May is Masturbation Month, but this shit’s way better shared. Given the opportunity they may just prove to you that they do have your best interests at heart.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
If there are tasks you’ve left undone then now’s the time to clear up that to do list of yours. Clearing the slate is like changing the bed sheets—it’s all new, it’s all good, it’s all linen fresh and ready for some dirty stuff. You should welcome new relationships (doesn’t mean get rid of the old) and or new angles/levels to partnerships that are already established. This also doesn’t mean doing double duty behind closed doors or starting something new before the old is done—just that you should be open to possibilities and/or fantasies that bubble to the surface from the recesses of your filthy mind. Always been intrigued by leather masks and ball gags? By ass plugs and water play? By silk ribbons and nipple clips? For every action there’s a reaction … isn’t there?
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
You feel like you’ve got a handle on most everything you’re involved in. (Who knew gripping the leather braided end of a good whip could be … so liberating?) Good for you. I’m going to give you a minute to enjoy your new found fetishes but in truth it’s time for you to get busy on the next level of things. It’s never right to only satisfy yourself but it’s also not right at any point to be in the position where you have to admit that you really should have done more of something—like loved them better … or harder. This month don’t leave wants and desires unmet.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Hold up Sunshine. It’s time to really take a look at the damage you did last month while your engines were in sexual overdrive. Take stock and consider that the layer you practically chewed off and spit out was just the tip of the iceberg. Time to dig deeper (gently please) and see what else you can unearth about you, about them, and about you and them together. It might also be time to evaluate the possibility that you have found the ying to your yang. Do you really want to waste years looking for someone who can fuck you better, when the one that fucks you best is right there? Seriously, fuck. What’s the matter with you? If you already figured this out, then love the one you’re with… again and again and again.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You are an unstoppable wet force—but one that will meet mucho resistance from doubters and or those afraid of what the changes you want will mean to them personally and to the dynamic you enjoy with them. Trust yourself, hug up the adjustments you want and stand strong. You don’t have to wield a stick bigger than your dick and wreak havoc and try to screw them into submission, just make love to their resistant side and ease them into the new way of doing you. Go get some lube for any tight spots and on the count of ten you may begin. …Uh, ten.