Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Sometimes you seem to be in deep inner reflection when in fact you’re just inspecting the lint in your belly button. A fan of deep emotional work are you not. (You Yoda fans will that you get.) Unfortunately this month those you’re involved with want you to spill your guts: What makes you tick, why you do what you do, what do you want, and on and on and on. But all you want is a silent snuggle afterwards, not a freaking dissertation on how you make them feel. Trouble is, that at times, there are things you have to do to keep other people happy; sometimes their sense of importance relies on your input and reaction to what they need. Trouble is the next few weeks is one of those times. So, best advice is to listen, and hold your tongue … preferably against something that will keep them sated and silent. You selfish selfish thing.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
That shit comes at you from all angles this month does not amuse you. You like things in their places … in the places you put them. Where they belong. This month this applies to persons and relationship parameters more than physical things as anyone who’s been back to your bed more than once already knows not to touch the toys without invitation. You may find yourself in the position of keeping two (or more) lovers apart and if you rely on your uncanny ability to think on your feet situations may turn out to have far more potential than originally thought. Just let go and fall into the twists and turns as they come your way. You’ll have way more fun if you do.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
What have you been doing over the last year or so? You are beginning to develop a clear picture of whether your actions (for or against) have worked to your advantage. Are you in bed with who you want to be in bed with? Do you even know? This is the problem when dealing with your inner Twins: sometimes they work against themselves and against you. One wants to have fun and the other wants to be serious but neither can see it from the other’s point of view. This leaves you sitting firmly on the fence determined to not fall on either side lest you have to give up one lifestyle for the other. It’s a little like resisting the urge to receive on the anal playing field because it means … well we know that’s just ridiculous. Being serious doesn’t mean you can’t have fun, and having fun doesn’t mean you can’t be serious. Go ahead: get the lube and bend over. You can have it all, the only one stopping you is you.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
To describe you as a total pain to be around when things don’t go your way is an understatement. This month it’s the understatement of understatements. Be warned though that if you start the emotional war you’re going to have to carry it through and be prepared that the outcome may or may not go your way. Exactly how, I can’t tell, keep in mind I’m an astrologer – not a freaking psychic – but I can tell you this: if you do piss off your honey bunny the only honey you’ll find is the one in the plastic squeezy container with the flip top. You can lick your fingers all you want but the sticky ain’t gonna be anywhere near as sweet as whatever’s dripping down your lover’s thighs. Oh, wait a minute, you and your total pain in the ass attitude are on your own. But you don’t have to be do you?
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Something’s talking to you. Rumbling and grumbling inside like an unsettled child. Hint: it’s not gas. You’d like to do your normal which is hang out the I’m busy placard and go have some dirty fun. Unfortunately, that’s only going to work in the short term – this shit’s not going away and you can only hide under the covers for a little while. Yes we can see you there, and yes, you’re quite seductive and sexy with just the occasional hint of leg or butt cheek peeking out, all tousled hair, and fuzzy round the edges of your vulnerable self … and still putting on a show. Neptune returns to direct motion on the 10th-11th and should help you determine what’s been bothering you over the last little while. You’ll be fine.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You’ve got a lot to get off your chest these days my little astrological caretaker and right now it seems that any and everything that has ever bothered you needs airing. This is bigger than squeezing the toothpaste from the wrong end or hanging the bog roll backwards and leaving the lid up (or down). It has to do with going down, getting busy, and getting pissed off. It’s about the ins and outs of your particular way of sexing things up. It’s about the subversive scorecard (yeah that one you pretend to not cut notches in) you keep, and the emotional tally of did you wrongs you secretly add up and bring out when the adoration you so easily dole out is not returned in the fashion you prefer … which is to be adored as much as you adore them. (Oh, yes it is.) So, what to do? Before you blast everyone out of your universal bed, spend a moment investigating whether this mood of yours is valid or just you being a complete cranky pants.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You, sweet diplomat of love, will be sorely tested this month. It would seem that everyone is hell bent on pushing every single button you have. And these aren’t the good buttons that make you come right away; these are the ones that make you lose your cool. There are certain someone’s who in the past have chosen to ignore the warning shots you fired over their bows. This time they may regret not listening to your concerns. But this, sweet diplomat of love, is a situation that you cannot bear for long. You like the comfy nearness of a warm body that you can take advantage of when the urge rises. Can we ask you to be even more patient and understanding than you are? No we shouldn’t dare, but you’ll fold anyway if we do. You are a base creature and your needs are strong. Curse or blessing? … That all depends on what they need now doesn’t it?
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
All systems are green lighted right now but you still feel like something is missing. Relationships are not progressing as you think they should be – operative words – you think. A great mistake made by many is filtering someone else’s way of doing things through our own ideas of how things should be. Is it them or is it you? This month it very likely is both. Let’s try this: instead of being responsible for their sexual satisfaction, try just being responsible for yours. Be there in the moment by all means but stop concentrating on what else you’ve got in your bag of tricks to blow their mind. No one has the experience covered like you do (it’s why past lovers keep coming back wanting more), and the word insatiable describes you too well, but let all that go and just feel it. Zen yourself and what’s missing may appear.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You still have more energy than you know what to do with – even self-love can’t take the edge off! But because of this you are spreading your self too thin physically and emotionally. You cannot be all things to all people at the same time but you can be a brilliant lover when you take the time to make it special. You could have five lovers that can take you or leave you or three lovers that will fight to keep you. (You can be that good.) If you don’t keep an eye on yourself and your various lovers, significant others, and admirers the fall out may not be pleasant. You are no where near as deviously tricky as Taurus (see above) so it will not be a good thing if one of your objects of affection should run in to the other. If they do – you should do the running. I’m just saying. (Run fast.)
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Your focus is split and things feel vague right now. Who do you love? Who do you want to bed? Can you love two people (figuratively and literally) at one time? Take a moment to re-evaluate your direction and desires. If you have to love one and leave another then do so before they both leave you, which they will do should you inadvertently call one by the other’s name. Have you done that before? It really is something you never forget. Talk about coitus interruptus – whew – more like get the fuck outeth. Seriously Capricorn, get your head screwed on right if you want to keep screwing any one at all.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
You do know how good you’ve got it don’t you? If this puzzles you to read then you aren’t acknowledging your worth or the worth of others you’re involved with. If you feel an urge to restructure everything and start fresh as well as rebrand yourself then knock yourself out but don’t change for change sake. That rarely works out. Sometimes when we find fault with others, it’s really something inside ourselves that’s out of whack. Do you really only make love on Tuesday or is it that your baby works night shift, you work days, and for most of the week you’re like ships passing in the night. Maybe you should crawl your ass back under the covers when you come home from work on a Wednesday and give them a little wild side wake up call. Is it the situation or what you make of the situation that gets you through or gets you down?
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
All you have to do this month is connect the dots to make things work – which incidentally is not as easy as it seems because the dots this month are not waving red flags and screaming here I am. Trouble starts when you search (become needy) for something you can’t quite put your finger on. How can friends and lovers know what to give you when you yourself don’t know exactly what you need? You tend to be fueled by and find inspiration in approval and physical affection so perhaps the answer is to make even more love, to fulfill even more fantasies, and to submit and succumb to as much passion and play as you are able. On the other hand, sometimes a blow job does mean you love them … and they love you for giving it up. Best advice is to let Venus lead her lovely way and for you to follow.