Aries (March 21 – April 19)
This is not a month that you will entertain lightly the direction of others: no you will not dress like a nun, or bend your leg just so or blow you when you freaking feel like it or move the fuck over in the bed after … oops, did you say that out loud? I believe you did. You want to do your own thing your own way when you want to do it. If you also insist that changes must be made, do make them with an eye to the long term. Make them purposeful, make them something that will benefit all concerned and in the end you will actually get what you most desire. Which is and always will be a thinly veiled and oft denied “your own way.” This of course is nothing new for you or those that love (put up with) you.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You embark this month on a roller coaster ride of top and bottom, Dom & sub, crop wielder and receiver etc. etc. What exactly do you want to do? Here’s the thing, in your indecision you only serve to confuse those lovers that want to serve you. Should you stick to tried and true methods of satisfaction or head off to fantasyland in search of your go to fetish? (Everyone has a favorite something something.) Acknowledge that any rules in play up to now are ones you imposed on yourself; give yourself permission to break them first, then ask your lover to break them with you. Don’t attempt something new then talk it out – talk it out then do it with the full participation and enthusiasm of all concerned. Orgasms all round people. It’s always the best objective.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You feel like you can conquer the world right now but you should use a little caution and err on the side of practicality and common sense. For example: what if, say, you’d been cooking up some serious interest in leather play and in your normal balls to the wall way you gear up (as in the outfit and implements) and spring it on your partner all Lord of the Rings aggressive like. Hot or not? You tell me: If you’ve set the scene maybe; if you’ve just leapt out of the closet as they arrived home from work…probably not. The point I’m making is that you should be enthusiastic, you should be excited, you should try all things new that appeal to you, only thing this month is that you shouldn’t bite off more than you can chew, or lick, or swallow.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Just for once try to let all the ways that you hide your feelings go out with the tide. No whinging or whining or sniveling that you’re not understood (they’re not mind-readers you know) express yourself clearly and you will actually get what you want. Example: I would like you to bury your head between my thighs and eat like the starving soul that you are. When I have come 3 times I would like you to make that 4. Then please enter me with something – a finger, a fist, a silicon dildo, a cock, it doesn’t matter – by that time I won’t care. Result. Thank you.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Even though you seek attention you’re really quite laid back and accommodating when it comes to what others & lovers want. You are generous of spirit and can take having fun to the hero level. Usually. Right now you need, more than having that last little orgasm pulled out of you, some time away from almost everything and everyone. You, sweet Leo, need a vacation, a real get-out-of town experience. If this isn’t in the budget then do the stay-cation thing as only you can. Close the blinds, shut the door, turn down the phone and indulge every sense you have. See it, touch it, smell it, taste it and let the only sounds you hear be the whisper of sheets, the gasps of pleasure, and the sighs of satisfaction.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You also (as above) are not in the mood to entertain the wants needs and desires of everyone. You don’t like what they like and you might not even feel much like … liking them. Oh dear. Quick fix is to figure out what you really don’t want to do … and then don’t do it even if in the not doing it means you won’t be doing them. Oh dear. What must be realized, acknowledged, and rectified between you and those you take care of is that there will be times when they should be taking care of you. That sometimes you need them to do for you. That sometimes you need your ass powdered, your feet rubbed, that you need drizzled chocolate sucked off your nipples and sweet strawberry stains licked away. If they’d wash the sheets after that would be nice too.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
It’s a sticky relationship kind of month and you may find yourself avoiding contact and company … pushing others away even. You should take the break you need whether it’s from lovers or simply the situations surrounding the lovers. Like when you’re in love with someone else’s lover as you sometimes are, or in love with another and unable to let one lover go for the other because you don’t want to hurt any lover’s feelings. (Yes you do so do that.) It’s tough riding the middle of the road sometimes and freaking confusing on top of that. If it’s time to split then do so with either your normal sense of grace and diplomacy or simply pack their bags and leave them on the stoop. Hmm. What oh what will you do?
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You feel like your life is one big rut right now. It’s like coming to with the fuzzy awareness that the dream you were having was weirdly hot and you were just getting ready to have the best come ever but you woke up with the sheets choking you and your PJ’s tied in knots – so frustrating. You want to jump start things but can’t find the energy to get moving. Try this: Figure out what makes you, has always made you a passionate fireball within and then go do it. Clearly the answer is sex, sex, and more sex but dig a little deeper Scorpio. You talk often of spiritual matters and universal mysteries and it’s time to explore your own inner self. Put the lube down dear. Honestly you are too much sometimes.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
What the heck is going on? Has everyone lost their minds? Will no one agree with you, work with you, and support you in your quest for knowledge, truth and fulfillment? Uh, seems not. This pisses you off which, if you’ve any sense at all, you’ll realize is not the route to take. You’ll be shooting your arrows (probably flaming) at all who stand in your way (hope you’ve got lots of arrows). You’ll also be sleeping by yourself, checking your phone for texts that won’t appear … oh, and probably engaging in a little self-love because now you’ve pissed everyone else off to the point they’re not even talking to you. They are so not with you if you act like this. The solution will be to not start the shit in the first place. Problem solved. We’re all happy. Be yourself, seek wonder, search for your sexual nirvana just don’t walk on people in the process.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Find the spotlight and stand in it. It’s time to put your natural reserve on the shelf and let yourself shine. (This shouldn’t be confused with standing in the living room window in your birthday suit … that rarely has a good result.) What it does mean is that you should let your walls down and be open about what you want and what you like. What it does mean is that the days of hiding your body or being shy about noises, and smells and tastes have got to go. Embrace yourself and your own need for satisfaction. Look in the mirror – this is what love, and sex, and desire look like. Own it. Truth is, when you own it, you’ll soon own them. Sexual confidence is a powerful aphrodisiac … perhaps the most powerful one that there is.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Not in the mood to compromise or negotiate or be tolerant? You want to lead and that others follow without question or hesitation. This can throw a “stuck in a routine” lover off as you’re not your usual do whatever they want self. But if you use a soft touch you’ll all reach your goals easier and faster which is what you wanted anyway right? Aquarius, you are a master manipulator, of men, of women, of anyone you choose to work your charm on, so why waste your time being a heavy handed ogre. If they’re going to turn the other cheek to your misbehavior let it at least be the one that fits so well in the palm of your hand. Oh, spank them if you must, make them count the blows even, but love them more after. You know it works every time. PS: Don’t be such a cranky pants either. That’d help.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
That wicked B**** Reality comes a calling this month and she will not be ignored. She’s in corset and high heels, silk stockinged and feather masked. She’s carrying a many-tailed crop … and she’s not smiling. She’s just going to teach you a little lesson about the nitty-gritty details of life that just like her should never be overlooked. Pay your bills on time, do routine maintenance, wash your sex toys after you use them, keep your lube tube filled and ready … stuff like that. If you take notice now then you can spend the rest of 2013 in that space between reality and fantasy that you prefer.