Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Life is a little blurry around the edges this month and as a result your love life is rife with fuzzy thinking and skewed logic. You might suspect lovers of doing you wrong … or not see the real signs when they are doing the dirty on you. Brief flashes of clarity do occur though and will gel to clear thinking by mid month. Dreams that visit you in the dark hours of night might wake you with a WTF was that kind of wondering. Spend a moment figuring out what disturbs you the most – who was in the dream or what you were doing with/to them – ‘cause you did come didn’t you? Explore these as if they were possibilities that could be made real.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Fate visits you this month and is dressed up in a tight black leather onesie and carrying a many-tailed crop. Your worst hot nightmare comes home to roost. Nightmare why? Because unpredictability scares the shit out of you as it means you are not in control. The only way to get through the next few weeks is to have complete faith in your own ability to survive whatever comes your way: pissed off partners, begging to be taken back exes, the lover that goes from garters and lace (yeah, you too tough guy) to dog collars and restraints. Throw it back as good as you get it … or make it work for you. You see – you can still be in as much control as you want.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Most every step you take this month seems mired in inconvenience and unpleasant reality. (Reality being the dark sister of Fate who’s parked her ass busting boots under Taurus’s bed right now.) You reap what you sow and acting like you don’t know this to be true is just ridiculous. Your only path to happiness and peace right now is to get rid of the unnecessary and polish what’s left to flawless perfection; the one that remains standing will love you to bits and in fact you will find that what you do have left is exactly what you need. Weird how that happens isn’t it? Be nice, be concise, and satisfaction will be yours.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Last month you were on fire: emotionally, spiritually, and most of all physically and even though that pressure cooker of activity eases as March begins it would be a mistake to think that what or who you did over the last few weeks did not come with a price. You may have been lucky enough to find partners (fellow Crabs) who were also burning off sexual steam (as you were) on the hit it and split level, but chances are that there were some that were in it for the minute but still hoping for more. Even if you orchestrated those moments, you may still suffer the emotional fallout from the previous month’s events. If you are aware of the potential for hurt (to yourself or them) you should be able to ride out the storms. Please keep stepping out of your box Cancer, the world awaits you.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Excitement is in the air and in you and it feels like you’re on the verge of something big – a discovery about yourself that you think will lay the groundwork for great success and happiness. Could the elusive G Spot be yours for the finding? (And wouldn’t it be nice to lay that little myth or magic theory to rest.) Right now though it’s about synching your inner love guru with your outer being and when you do this you will get exactly what it is that you wish for. Think I’m making this up? Then you won’t be afraid to dig around your feelings and needs to find out will you? Take a flashlight, a tube of lube, and something phallic shaped. What you seek is well hidden, squeezed in real tight and will fuck with you unless you fuck with it first.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Even though May is masturbation month and a little ways off you really just want to do your own thing this month. It may not be self-love, but it is a feeling that the Tao of You is good enough right this minute. Because you are a caretaker of lost souls and needful others, that you are not available as usual comes as a shock to some. They want to lay their heads and hearts on your heated chest and be tended to till it’s all better … for them. As difficult as it might be for you, you must leave them to sort out their own issues and romantic messes. Give them a quick ride for the road if you feel you must but send them on their way before the wet spot dries and you’ll feel much much better.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Because you are such a diplomat it gives people what they think is the right to demand your good humor and niceness and consideration at all times. This is so trying isn’t it? If you allow it to, the pressure to fulfill these unrealistic expectations will mount to the point that the only thing you’re even thinking about blowing is a gasket. And that’s not good. Try this as March drags on: Accept how you feel and act on it. It’s what everyone else does isn’t it? If you don’t like something then say so; if you don’t want to do something then don’t do it, if you don’t want to eat something then don’t eat it (yeah, that too) and so on and so on and so on.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Your plans (and you always have one or more in play) take several unexpected turns and this could leave you irritated and annoyed. For all concerned this is a horrid combo of events and results. The key to survival this month is to not take anything personal. After all, it is them not you, and if they choose to miss out on the wild session you had planned for them, well that’s on them. You are not spontaneous in the true sense of the word but you do make on the spot decisions that move to action in the split second it takes for you to think them. Did you just kick their ass to the curb, yes you did. Shoot, now what? Good news is that a return to normal focus will appear about mid month and you can get them back then if you want to. But, do you?
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You must really do a better job of taking care of yourself in all areas: physical, intellectual, emotional and spiritual. Don’t forsake any one of these for the other. You like to have smart sex, you like to make love that transcends this earthly plane we find ourselves on, you like to bang it out like there’s no tomorrow and the odd tear stained pillow from the sheer joy of it all is never out of place. This is exhausting for the rest of us. Try a little moderation over the next few weeks instead of your usual hell bent for leather. Your lovers will thank you if you pause to pull that last little orgasm out of them. Big sigh. Thank you.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Everything is wobbly and wispy and transparently foggy and this drives you with your need for control, stark raving mad. Not really of course but it feels like it. Think back on things a bit with me – has there ever been a time that you couldn’t regain control – of you, of them, of the situation? Actually there hasn’t been has there. So enjoy the daze of daydreams turned real, the joy of making love without any clue where it’s going to go, the wonder of the physical reactions you experience yourself and from lovers. There is wonder and awe and satisfaction in the exploration of sexual frontiers not yet tested and you should go there before your more reserved self tells you that you shouldn’t.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
You’ve made some decisions lately that need to be revisited. Not to change them, but to open yourself fully (mind & body) to the possibilities and potential of your planned activities. When you do this your level of excitement goes up and you anticipate an outcome that pleases you. Oh, I suppose this could be a new job, or a car, or something solid and boring like that but it could also be crossing the bridge to a deeper more meaningful relationship. Which, my Water Bearer, for you means better sex. It’s that simple. Quest: Get your shit together. Result: Better Sex. Please begin.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Your imagination is firing on all cylinders and you are aching to get into all manner of things. Frustration comes though with an activity level that isn’t keeping up with the images you’ve created in your head. The possibility exists that you are over-thinking things to the point that you’re all thinked out. Best advice is to stop thinking and start doing. More have been talked into nakedness and nights of sin with a bag of cheese doodles and wine served in a jam jar than you’d believe. By all means think up a big seduction production, and then just go do something that’ll make both of you sweaty, wet, satisfied, and maybe covered in cheese doodle dust.