Aries (March 21 – April 19)
“Push it, Push it real good.” Okay, stop pushing it already. You’re starting to piss people off. You have a very strong desire (several as it turns out) to get what you want out of life and lovers this month but you’d make better headway (and probably get more head) if you finessed your tactics a bit. It’s great to be around someone as fired up as you are but not so great to be shoved out of the way and or dragged along behind. More importantly for you is that you must consider that roadblocks (Not the same as a cock-block, there you go again.) are more likely signs that you need to slow your roll and check your direction on occasion. You don’t want to get lost in the wilderness by yourself do you?
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Are you sensing a little attitude coming out of your home love nest? I say home because it’s not unlike you to have more than one love nest. And it’s not unlike you to become complacent about what you should do, must do, to keep everything humming along the way you like it. You have to do more than hum the Star Spangled Banner with their sexy bits between your lips; you have to make them so happy they’ll hum it along with you. Pay attention. Pick up the phone, you’re not doing anything but sitting on the couch watching TV anyway. No, that’s a back to school commercial. But, maybe you do need a refresher course in treating someone right. Just saying.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Two things you’ll find yourself doing over the next few weeks will surprise both you and your partners. One you’re real talkative about just about everything, and two, you care what those that listen to you think about what you’re saying. Talking & caring, both different for you, and together just plain weird for the rest of us. We’re suspicious of your motive as there usually is one and you mistakenly interpret this to mean we don’t care which is backwards because we almost always think you don’t care. Are you confused? I’m confused. Best advice: Don’t turn up the volume (IE: Yelling, “I just want to fuck you.” Won’t get you fucked.). Instead, figure out what needs to be said and just say that. (IE: Whispering, “I just want to drink the nectar of your soul.”) Details Brothers and Sisters, it’s in the details.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Could someone please just turn out the lights and turn down the sound and could everyone just back the F off? All this intensity makes you more than a little uncomfortable and wishing that you could retreat to your own bed with your own toys and your own imagination. How much better could it be if you had only yourself to please? News Flash: Not better. Not better at all. Still, if you must, go ahead and go missing for a day or two. See what happens. You’ll get a go pass from lovers if you come back refreshed and ready to give them what they want and need but if you just hide out you’re in some serious shit. You decide Einstein. Which route do you think will lower the tension in your romantic world?
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
There you go turning the spotlight on yourself again. You want action, you need it, and you’re going to get it: Somehow, someway, but definitely today, and the next, and the one after that. So, what are you going to do? There’s been an upswing in public sex, recorded and uploaded and shared online – From rural China to Home Depot parking lot shed displays – but you don’t have to go that far do you? You already attract attention because you look like someone who’s got something going on. This month keep doing your thing and push yourself to new limits but only target yourself for improvement – targeting others makes you a dickhead. And nobody likes a dickhead.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Life is beautiful is it not? It’s your birthday time, you’re getting lots of attention, lots of sexy little gifts, multiple orgasms to be had whenever; you don’t even have to ask. With all the good right now why do you fear something bad is going on just below the surface of your existence? (Not like that Robin Thicke hand up your ass in the mirror thing. That’s too obvious.) Bad news is that you’re uneasy and the problem then becomes that this air of uneasiness can pollute the positive as partners begin to sense your distrust of them. Good news is that the only problem here is in you and you can fix it before it effectively removes the lube from your life.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You’re as restless as a cat on a hot tin roof and nothing seems to hit your spot of satisfaction; and that’s the S spot not the G spot. This month achieving personal gratification does prove to be just as elusive as that magical little pleasure point. The solution, in short, is to get out of your box (or the box you find yourself in most frequently). Try new things, new people, and or new arrangements. Maybe you just need to push yourself to new heights of accomplishment. What have you done lately to scare the crap out of yourself? Have you dared yourself? Put you and your talents out there. It’s not all about the sex. Okay, it is all about the sex, but sex can still challenge you to find more than just the dirty in it.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Take your usual resistance to being told that you can’t do something and upscale that by about, jeez should we even go there? Your resistance is almost always way over the top. That being said, over the next few weeks you’re not interested in the suggestions of others, the orders of partners, or doing anything you don’t freaking feel like doing. Icing that cake is a new level of disconnection – where before you cared about upsetting loved ones by not complying – now you’re not that bothered. For those Scorpio Subs out there (I know! How likely is that? Fakers.), you might not be feeling it – as in lick your own boots and go slap someone else’s ass. You want what you want. It’s like that.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Have your listening skills not come back from Summer Vacay with you? Or do you have someone on ignore? Here’s the thing. You want to love who you want, screw who you screw, do who you do … when and where you want to do them. And that’s all cool. If you listen you’ll find out whether the problem lies in your daily doing, or in the fact that you might be doing it what you do disrespectfully. This would be leaving people hanging, waiting, and wondering. Freedom without responsibility is an unlikely fantasy for you to hold. Just do the right thing and you’ll be welcome in more beds than you really need. Isn’t that what you want? PS: If it’s not actually what you want then just do the right thing. It’s not rocket science here people.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Here are some words to describe you over the upcoming weeks: Uncompromising, immovable, and demanding. You’re going to be a real treat to love and live with. The same freaking way, the same freaking day, the same freaking time and at times you’re going to really believe that it needs to be this way because you’re the only one putting in the effort. But, you wont give up control of anything. You should be tied up, gagged, and had (fuck the blindfold, we want you to see what’s coming next) until you are so spent that you agree to let us lead the way at least half the time. Or, you could just let us do it anyway and then we’ll generously use a little more grease. You’d like that wouldn’t you?
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
You’re just a little bit irritated this month, aren’t you? The Celestial Skies are quite active and you’re feeling the stirred up energy of it all. What you must be most careful of is to not injure the gentle hearts of those that love you. Because it’s not their fault – quite honestly it’s yours. Your tolerance is low and you’re just an itsy bitsy bit judgmental. And there in hides the big problem. You’re normally not that way at all and lovers have literally basked in your acceptance of their very being. You’ve never told them that their load tastes like yesterday’s pizza or that you don’t find having your nipples nibbled particularly erotic, that you let them do it because they seem to get off on it. So, leave town till you calm down or tell it like it is? Why not use every bit of will power you have and ease up already. Won’t cost you so much either.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Why do people ask you questions? Questions about commitment and the future and where you’re going to spend the next big holiday dinner at and when you’re there will you want stuffing and gravy with that? They ask and they expect you to answer in their language but all you speak is Fish. They want absolutes and the most you can offer is faith, love, and inspiration, which is what attracted them to you in the first place. It was. They know it too. All you can do is smile, and point out that the sun’s rays through the blinds play an extraordinary shadow pattern on their perfect ass. And when the time comes, you’ll decide whether you want to be the stuffor or the stuffee, but yes, there’ll definitely be some gravy to spread on everything. Hopefully that’ll satisfy them for now.