(yes, I’m back:)
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Hope you’ve got your listening ears on this month, as it’s your best strategy for getting what you want. Your lustful impulses and “I know you want me” intuition will take you down the right path but they won’t help you negotiating the details of the dirty deal you’re trying to seal. This doesn’t mean new relationships only smarty-pants, it pertains completely to the art of compromise and negotiation. This doesn’t mean “I’ll go down on you if you go down on me,” if you’re thinking your slick ass is freaking covered on this one. This month it’s not. Be nice + play nice = get nice.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You can expect two things this month Taurus: one, nothing goes to plan, two: your mind moves to hyper drive trying to sort all this shit out. This is an unsettling combination. You’re a planner, you like things in order, predictable even, and when even Jean Luc Picard style determination cannot make it so you don’t like it one little bit. You’re going to have to let it all go. You and I both know that when you get to the point of not caring about an outcome you’re devilishly difficult to handle and can be cutting in both remark and behavior. Be gentle with lovers Taurus, they cannot help but love you.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Wow, your beautiful mouth has finally caught up with your filthy mind. (Normally an exquisite combo.) This time round though they’re actually together … somewhere off in the Universe making love to each other because they sure to great Mother Goose are not with you. You’re stumped for words right now, unclear what to say or how to say it. Ride it out, be Zen with yourself, look pensive to distract admirers, if given the chance, lick the sweet sweat from between their quaking thighs. You’ll get your stuff together in a few weeks and you’ll be right back to talking them out of their clothes and into your bed.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Normally a bit of an over-reactor, the possibility exists this month that you’ll far exceed this state of being and slide right into behavior that is beyond the norm for even you. You are an emotional pile of Jell-O; red I think. Now at some point you’re going to have to maneuver the shaky mess that you are into the public realm and my advice to you is this: channel your emotional energy into forceful action instead of whinny woe is me; no one listens when you piss and moan. Neither do they want to bed you, bone you, or be with you. On a softer note Cancer, you may have suffered an emotional blow or two lately and it takes time to recover from hits like that. Always love yourself first.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You want a vacation away from everything that’s wearing on your last nerves and that’s a lot (of wearing) because you’re really quite patient when it comes to the foibles of others. The responsible thing to do would be to stick it out with those less fortunate but sometimes you’ve just got to say screw it and this and take yourself off to finer destinations. The honorable thing to do would be to take them with you… but what if you should come upon an exotic creature whose mysterious waters you’d like to explore? What then Leo? Responsibility and honor: Please hold. We’ll be with you real soon. When we get back. Have fun Leo.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You can feel it as surely as the rumblings of yesterday’s dodgy dim sum; something’s brewing just below your surface and it’s making you jumpy. You’re waking up nervous and that’s no way to start your day. Not to worry though as it’s just the Universe rearranging itself and getting ready to bring you new things. The delay, while a bit of an uncomfortable celestial wedgie, is a good thing because truth is you’re not entirely ready for changes that will involve both you and lovers alike. Keep in mind that change is not always a bad thing… sometimes it just takes some getting used to like that next size up plug. At first, not so much, but after a greasy little period of adjustment kind of nice after all.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Fun is the only word you want to hear these days. It’ll be fun to go somewhere, watch something, do something… do someone. Any and all combinations considered really as long as all are on board and ready to get busy with your bad fun-loving self. So where is everyone? Did they not understand your invitation to join in? No, actually they did not. You’re so middle-of-the-road and noncommittal sometimes that others can be unsure of your true intent. Try this: I want to do this with you. No strings. That should clear things up and punch your dance card more times than your able to fulfill.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
The world outside your four walls clamors for attention but you want to push the itty bitty details of daily life onto someone else thinking that your talents are better used on the big stuff. Just for a minute lets consider that size doesn’t matter. (Uh, yes it does and we both know it.) Anyway, for February, what this means is that there are big things you can do, like buying them Givenchy for Valentines, or, you could get a sketchy little heart mug from the dollar store, fill it with Choco hearts, slide them round their naked bod with your tongue, and then fuck the gooey sticky smears right off them. Think Small, Love Big. It’s the right thing to do.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Whew. The more serious of calls to you that life makes have come and gone and you stand tall. This could be a big decision about whose boots to keep under your bed permanently if you’re attached, or more a decision about who you want to bang in the short term. Now that you’ve made an actual choice it’s time to rejoice and savor the result. The result being to make love often and without guilt; the result being to let your fantasies and fetishes live in the here and now without fear of rejection; the result being absolute freedom of acceptance for who and what you are: a creature of pleasure and delight. Awesomely so.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Certainty and daring may give way to fearfulness over your out of your comfort zone activities in the last month or so. (You dirty thing!) Not to worry though, look at the bigger picture before you scuttle back under the bed where it’s dark and safe and familiar. Growth is not always convenient, it comes to us in forms we don’t recognize as helpful at the time but when we accept changes (within ourselves and others) we often find that the reward is much greater than the fleeting discomfort of adaption and brings freedom of thought, of action, and releases us from guilt. If I have to spell this out for you, go back to square one and start again, masturbating under the sheets at night, where no one can see you.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
This is your annual turn to shine in the spotlight that is the world of Aquarius Envy so throw out modesty and enjoy being the you that we love to watch, listen to, and be with. Knocking down your own walls leads to powerful and creative insights about life, the rest of us, and how you want to deal with us both (you and me). Let your thoughts run wild and wait to see if we can keep up with them. If we can’t it’s definitely your turn to take us by the hand and show us what we need to get by. Use whatever educational tools you think we need, restrain us, spank us, tickle us, oil us and drive the point home. We’ll be too used up to complain about homework, and too besotted to care. Gosh you’re good. Happy Valentines to the rest of us because you are on point this month.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Pisces, you little dickens, you’re doing your normal back and forth between avoiding reality and sacrificing yourself for others. Is this not exhausting? Do you feel appreciated? Loved? Respected? That’s a big list of expectations but ask yourself this, if others expect these things from you, why do you most times, not expect these things from others? Do not be afraid to put your foot down so close to Valentine’s Day because you “have to be” with someone and if you do, well, you might not be. Nonsense. You, Pisces are spectacular, even more so near your personal New Year. They can no more look away than walk away from your warm embrace. AKA: hooked. No need to be satisfied with love if it’s not delivered in the wrapping paper that you want. Call “next in line” if you want to.