Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Energy is low: staying in bed doing something sexy is one thing – staying in bed feeling lackluster lazy and getting shirty because they’re all up in your space is another. You’re living and breathing some very irritated air right now. (Oh, you don’t think you’ve got your cranky underpants on? Ask a lover. See what they say.) Even if you don’t want to, you should try to get out from under this funk by engaging in some physical activity of some kind and good news Aries, general screwing and fornicating does qualify. Quantity over quality works here. Just do it. You’ll feel better.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Last month’s mental fog begins to lift and you see things with new eyes. Hmm…that ass is beginning to look real sweet all of a sudden, as are those lips, those hips, that tongue, and those eyes. Are those clumsy fingers and thumbs on that hand or finely tuned instruments of well-greased pleasure? It should become delightfully clear that what you want is actually right in front of you. Forget standards laid down by others about what’s hot and what’s not and no matter what whimsical wind your desire blows in on, please yourself and worry about the rest later.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You are so ready for the New Year to get rolling that after its slow beginning and your disinterest, you almost miss the escape hatch to fast and furious (probably because you were looking in the mirror at yourselves lamenting your collective lack of inspiration). Bam! As they say. The world and its wicked wonders suddenly swirl around you beckoning and calling you to every dirty circumstance you’ve ever wished for. This is your new reality Gemini and you should take advantage of it for as long as it’s available and you have the cojones to keep on keeping on. The Zodiac Wheel envies you. Enjoy.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You may not be as busy as your neighboring Zodiac Sign Gemini but life engages you in a very sensual and sexy way. This may be because you’ve been more relaxed lately and are taking things and lovers as they come. And with your new way of “seeing” what’s needed, lovers do indeed come. While you’re taking care of them, you should also turn your attention to your own happiness, and be creative in the ways you take care of yourself. Could be new shoes … but maybe some new toys as well. Have you seen what’s out there to do you? Take a look at these. I know.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Stress seems to have left the building and you feel as tranquil as a post orgasmic summer time afternoon: A little sweaty and sticky but too blissed out to care. But here’s the issue with this – others see you and your happy face and mistakenly think that they can mess with you. They should be warned to let (fake) sleeping lions be as you are content but not complacent about how others interact with you. Oh, they’ll hear you roar if they cross the line. Still, not warning them could be entertaining as well. You decide, it can be a day-to-day thing.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Your lack of tolerance for the wishy-washiness of others weighs heavy on your mind right now. Can they just not freaking do what they say… now that they’ve actually made a freaking decision? Time to retreat to a Virgo world that you can control, a world where your intuition speaks loudly to you and your imagination takes you to new heights of desire and satisfaction. Sounds delightful, doesn’t it? It’s right there, past the smoke and mirrors and delusions of the rest of the Non-Virgo world. Your Brothers and Sisters await your arrival and welcome you with open arms and legs and mouths … you get the idea.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
These are confusing times. Do they like you, want you, need you or is it all a figment of your overactive imagination? One day you’re all up and in their business and the next it’s like you’ve never been nestled between their thighs breathing the air of the sexed and satisfied. Energies shift quickly and it’s hard for anyone to get a grasp on any given situation. The answer for you is to look inside when you have questions and to listen to the little voice that answers back. This line from HBO’s True Detective explains it well: Matthew McConaughey to Woody Harrelson, “With all that dick swagger you roll, you can’t spot crazy pussy?” Crazy pussy or crazy dick – the parts are interchangeable – listen to the little voice when it tells you don’t go there.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You can barely stand your own tired self these days let alone someone else. This makes your stubborn butt even more dangerous to live with and explains lover’s “deer in the headlights” look. Admit it, you’re a beast even on your best day. You’re never actually bored with sex, you like it too much for that, but you do get exasperated with the task of always being the one to “come up with something new.” Accept the fact that it is down to you and use some lazy time dreaming up something unique or re-staging tried and true methods of getting everyone off. Double win for you actually as sex energizes you, great sex lights you on fire.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
The skies above are providing what could be likened to as a celestial case of blue balls, as planets appear to stop action before coming back to us. And coming would be such a relief would it not? As a result things for most everyone this month are a little blah and you Sagittarius, as an action-oriented type of being, find this most displeasing. Be patient, it’ll pass. How can you personally get through this? Take a little Sag time out. Maybe on a tropical island where you can also scratch that love to get busy outdoors itch on a beach. Here’s a word puzzle: use “sand” “crack” “itch” in a sentence that doesn’t read “The sand in the crack of my ass is giving me mad itch.” (It does but it’s something you really have to find out for yourself.)
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
You’re like a pot left too long on the stovetop, steaming and bubbling over with hot activity and imagination. As your personal year picks up speed it’s time to lighten your angst load by tossing stale thoughts and old beliefs aside. An example of an old stale belief would be that real men don’t eat pussy (dumbass shit like that) or that men who want anal really want men (a doubly dumbass theory). My point is this Capricorn, it’s time to pare back the excess swill that society offers you and rediscover your core principles. A guilt free you is joy of the purest kind.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
This month closes out a selfish period for you but it did provide time to examine why you uphold others more than you uphold yourself as you address their wants and needs before your own. You do know you do that don’t you? On a physical level you bash your own body image while viewing that very same thing as sexy in someone else. You would call someone else crazy impulsive and hotly unpredictable, but in yourself you feel out of control and erratic. Doesn’t really make sense does it? That you would suddenly feel the need to bang us in a bathroom stall between dining courses excites us. You Aquarius, excite us. Be kinder to your self. Forgive yourself. Let us love you just the way you are.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
The spotlight is on you right now sweet Pisces (we do love your mysterious extrasensory sexy ways). And so as we gaze upon you in total adoration (and lust), it’s time for you to join us in thought and spirit and let your true essence shine through. Toss off your old façade like yesterday’s bathrobe and strap on life like you’re buckling up the biggest dong in the land. Don’t ask us what to do – tell us. Don’t follow us into our beds – lead us to yours. Own us. Use us. Please just gently lube us first. PS: We love it when you take control.